Hatred and love from Darwin's book The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals.

I’m tongue-tied once again. When I feel this way it’s not usually because of having nothing to say, but rather having too much to say, and struggling to find a way to say it coherently. And when a difficult topic is percolating, that makes it even harder.

So, somewhat reluctantly entering unpopular territory, but following the rule, “If you hear cannon fire, go towards it,” today I take as my subject, hatred. There is at least one person in my life who hates me. So far I haven’t been able to muster the juice to hate her back — not with any gusto — and I think that’s a problem for me. I mean, what about the law of reciprocity? To be clear, I have plenty of uncharitable thoughts toward this person, but I can’t say I hate her. In Darwin’s photo above however, I can claim personal familiarity with both facial expressions.

So what is hatred exactly? I think it starts with anger — anger mixed with frustration. But it becomes petrefied anger, old anger that has sunk, settled, solidified, and become a thing. Anger fresh from the source is in motion, it is a force. Anger is about wanting change. That’s what’s so good about it, it can give us energy for change, sometimes a great burst of it. (The civil rights movement would have been nowhere without anger for fuel). But hatred, inert and stolid, cannot even hope for change. When the weight of hatred is laid upon you, you feel it. It’s heavy. Sometimes so heavy it is almost unbearable. It sucks your energy unless you are eternally vigilant about protecting yourself.

Why does hatred last for so long? How can it live on and on? In the case of the person I reference, almost a lifetime. I believe it’s habit forming — an addiction. And probably to stop hating suddenly would be traumatic. Hating offers temporary satisfaction, but not a truly enduring one, because it leaves the underlying need unmet.

And here’s what I’m wondering now: just what are those needs that hatred appears, on the surface, to satisfy or appease? Is hatred like heroin, offering a temporary high and an apparent cure for the pains and terrors of human existence?

Some friends I have discussed this with don’t know what I’m talking about. I suspect they have not experienced real hatred, neither as the hater nor the hated. I think, or I like to think, that many lives are free of it.

Most of us have witnessed hatred as a pair-bonding and a group bonding activity. If we all hate the same person, group, or belief, them we feel closer to each other, united against a common enemy.

I came just came across this quote by George Bernard Shaw: “Hatred is the coward’s revenge for being intimidated.” Can that be right? I think it’s part of the hatred dynamic, at least when it occurs on a one-to-one basis.

As Leonardo wrote repeatedly in his notebooks: dimmi — tell me. Tell me your experiences and thoughts on hatred.