Have you ever been accused of arrogance? Or admired for your confidence? What is the difference between confidence and arrogance? My first thought was that arrogance seems like a brownie à la mode — a loathsome one — confidence, with a big scoop of obnoxious on top. And then I started wondering how much obnoxiousness it takes to push confidence over into arrogance.
But further reflection yielded a bit more complexity. It’s probably not a question of one ingredient layered on another, but rather two different dishes entirely.
Arrogant people are often solemn, self-righteous, and seem to be self-involved to the exclusion of others. They are haughty, demanding respect from others, and yet offering it to only a very few. There’s a “closed system” feel about them. When they condescend and when they pontificate, they have no idea how repellent they are, because they are not attuned to the effect they have on others.
When I think about the aura that surrounds confident people — the ones who seem free of arrogance — it’s always fairly good humored, and there’s a lively curiousity about the world, an authentic interest in others. The confident person is good at something, knows it, and is able to rely on those skills and abilities in a relaxed manner. The confident attitude is an attractive one, easy to be around; the confident person seems dependable and admirable.
Some arrogant people can be very good at what they do. No question. So, when we accuse someone of arrogance, I think we mean: “You may be an expert but your tone is offensive. You don’t see me; you don’t acknowledge me; you don’t value me.” And when we admire someone’s confidence, I think we are saying, “I appreciate your abilities because you can be a virtuoso without making me feel insignificant.”
Or something like that.
Let’s talk about it.
I know some arrogant people who correspond very closely to this profile, but most arrogant people are overcompensating, it seems to me. If you are “merely” full of yourself, you don’t have to go that extra mile to make sure the other guy feels less- than. Insecure people know quite well when they are hurting others — they are threatened and they do it on purpose, even if they can be entirely dishonest with themselves about it. While lots of obnoxious but omni-competent people really have no idea…
I always wonder the same thing about power (good, sort of) vs. control (bad, sort of).
Well certainly in order to effect any substantial good, one must have power and use it. And sometimes control, too. (to halt an epidemic, for example) But the misuse of power and control …. then we are in the territory of child abusers, and killers like Pol Pot.
It’s an interesting question.
To me, the difference between arrogance and confidence comes down to one thing: (in)security. The arrogant person is inwardly insecure and compensates through his/her behavior. Behaving or acting like a sanctimonious know-it-all and putting others down in the process somehow makes them feel superior: Problem solved.
The confident person is secure in their own persona – self assured. Nothing to hide or cover-up or compensate for.
We all know both types. I’ll take my brownie sans glace. (How’s THAT for confidence?!)
Roger and Elatia, you seem to be in agreement. And I see your point. I think I was bending over backwards to give the arrogant the benefit of the doubt. National Be Kind to the Arrogant Day? But I think you are right, most (but not all) arrogant people are coming from the shaky ground of insecurity and inferiority, and probably do, on some level, know how pernicious they are being. It’s a preemptive strike in the ongoing battle to defend their little imaginary fiefdom.
I like the notion of ‘closed system’ vs. ‘open system’. Closed systems can be quite powerful, but they rely upon control for their strength. Arrogance. Open systems, on the other hand, can also be powerful, but through their adaptability. Confidence.
This is a great summation Sally: “When I think about the aura that surrounds confident people — the ones who seem free of arrogance — it’s always fairly good humored, and there’s a lively curiousity about the world, an authentic interest in others… The confident attitude is an attractive one, easy to be around; the confident person seems dependable and admirable.” Thanks for a thoughtful post.
Arrogant is not something that someone is; it is a label given to some other person’s behavior. What you may perceive as arrogance in someone else may very well be only your interpretation of a set of behaviors exhibited by that person. Before labelling someone as arrogant, consider that your labelling them thus could very well just come out of your irritation at the way you are being treated by them.
Egg man,
But isn’t this so of many behaviors? Saying that someone is gentle or kind or amusing — that puts you on the same merry-go-round doesn’t it? And while it is true that the number of angels that can dance on the head of a pin can vary depending on whether they are dancing cheek to cheek or doing the jitterbug, I think at some point we have to simply say what we mean, and mean what we say.